


Blades

by samidha



Series: S3-04 Hiatus and S4 Reactions and Sundry [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: And general S4 things, Comment Fic, Episode: s04e01 Lazarus Rising, Gen, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-24
Updated: 2010-10-24
Packaged: 2018-12-11 12:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11714484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/samidha
Summary: "How much do you actually remember?" - Sam (The summary is the prompt)





	Blades

**Author's Note:**

> Some of my comment fic came from a community called SPNQuotefic in which quotes were posted from episodes and we would have to use them as a prompt. I can't post all of mine here because some disappeared (weren't crossposted) and I also haven't labeled all of them as to what comment fic memes things were from, but this is from there. Hence the summary is the prompt, and an episode quote.
> 
> As an aside I have a lot of S4 fic because it's the first season I watched in time with broadcast dates, i.e. "live."

It’s dark and damp and instinct takes over. That’s what Dean uses to claw his way upward. He paws his way through the convenience store: _water, oh, God, water_ , food, porn, and a little switch goes off in his brain when he thinks about the money. Something Dad said once. He chases the memory, but it’s gone as soon as he tries to grab for it.

“What don’t I know about that kid?” he says to Bobby, and if the memories are hard to catch hold of he doesn’t have to say anything about that. He catches one long enough to get through tracking Sam’s phone, and he calls it victory.

There are things that are still the same. He still sleeps with a knife under his pillow. It isn’t very sharp, he thinks, it isn’t the best for gutting. He would like a knife that is sharp enough. He remembers enough to know that, but he also knows there aren’t really any good enough on this side of the divide, so he lets it go. He makes sure that the knife comes with him every morning though. Just in case. In case he sees Ruby, in case there is ever the chance and reason to gut her. And there is, oh, there is, but that’s not who the angels send his way when they want him to bone up on his new skill set.

Still, he dreamed of the opportunity for forty years, and he does his level best. This is something he remembers.

He remembers the final day, one final snap to sever the line and he stopped screaming for Sam, he stopped thinking of Sam with every waking breath because Sam is safe, safe from Dean now, he made sure.

He loses some things. Things that made him inherently _Dean_ , but he doesn’t have to be Dean anymore. Dean is safe from him, too. He only has to be this now, sharpest knife at the ready, the one who bent and tore the reality of hell to his whim, as long as his whim is to wield and tear and kill and kill again.

The dissatisfaction came with every time he realized there was no death, only more and more and more of this. Then he would rip someone’s lungs out through a gaping hole in the gut and he could smile, because he liked it.

He is a quick study.

He doesn’t need Dean anymore, only a knife settled against his thigh or his ankle and he is fine, baby, just fine.

So Sam starts to lie and a part of him wants to be angry--a part of him is angry. It’s insolence he never would have tolerated below. But Dean is lying too, lying so bad his skin doesn’t feel right. He isn’t Dean, not really, not with all that’s gone. He tries Dean on, but nothing feels right until he grips the knife so hard it cuts his hand, and then he, sees Lilith in her little party dress and he remembers everything, and there isn’t really room for Sam in his head anymore.

They’re liars both, and he tries to remember what Dad would have said about that, but it flies away on the breeze.

_Do you remember when we used to hunt Wendigos?_

_Not really._

There is no room for small things, things like being Dean and Sam.

They go through the motions. They try to remember being brothers, and Dean thinks Sam has almost got it, but Dean can’t really reach it anymore. 

At least not today.


End file.
